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A Selection of Your Emails

Running a website such as this has its ups and downs. The ups are definitely the messages we receive from you whether nice or nasty. They are all read and digested. There are 2 reasons people get upset and they are: Games and Football. There are those without a sense of humour also, but we shall forgive them for theirs must be a sad and lonely existence.

May 6th 2006 - You Love Men

crap site, you know nothing bout magic, and love men

rob lloyd, bob_rabbi_wah@yahoo.co.uk


Hello Rob, or should I say chuckchippie?

After reading this 5 times I finally understand what it is you're trying to say. You know, punctuation really does alter the meaning of a sentence. I love plenty of men; Thierry Henry, Plato, Ian Astbury (who?). My love of these men has not stood in the way of a 15 year marriage to, yes, a woman. A woman is quite like a man but without the dangly bits. They have their own dangly bits but they shouldn't really begin to dangle before the age of 50. If your woman's bits dangle before the age of 50 then yours is either defective, a man or your mum, possibly in your case, all 3 simultaneously. In the case of the latter, you should in no circumstances initiate copulation with her. The dangly bits could take an eye out. And it's illegal.

Please feel free to continue to provide me with cheap content for an ailing site that does provide the disclaimer "Getting worse all the time" but still manages to pay for a couple of bills every month with no effort on my part.

Love you Robby darling,

Tone

September 23rd 2005 - Worst of the Web

Yes your web site is the worst I have ever seen. There is a nice & extra hot place in Hell for people such as you. You abuse freedom of speech and what it stands for. God says “Do not cast your pearls before swine.” In your case you are not even close to swine. I will pray for you. I will leave you with something to think about, with all of the bad things going on in the world. Why don’t you go and bother a criminal. Remember we reap what we sow. Believe me I have reaped many unpleasant things And I have never been so mean and cruel. I can not imagine what is in store for you if you do not repent.

laura stover, lhstover36@comcast.net


Ha! Thanks for the best laugh I've had since, well since the last idiot emailed me really!
 
Thanks Laura Stover, there's a name in web design I've not heard before. Are you perhaps a mystery design guru who influences the online world without revealing her true identity? Hm? Or are you perhaps a God-obsessed altruism-deluded nobody? Hm? No, don't answer that one.
 
To respond to your points singularly:
 
Hell eh? Looking forward to it Laura. Never was very good at the harp anyway...
 
Abuse of freedom of speech? Er, do you even understand what free speech means?! It means (and stop me if I'm going too fast on this one):
 
Free.
Speech.
 
Speech that is free. I can say what I like. That's my right. I just think up words and then publish them. Within limits. Quite loose limits actually. But there's nothing about God in my agreement with my web-hosting company believe me. Free speech you see? Quite simple really.
 
No darling, I'll tell you what abuse of freedom of speech is, it's dicks like Omar Mohammed Bakra preaching hatred and death while my tax pounds pay for it. It's shitty tabloid newspapers failing to tell us what's actually happening in the world for the sake of informing us that a super thin supermodel does a little charlie - as if we didn't know before! Abuse of freedom of speech led 4 wankers to blow themselves up on the London transport system on July 7th after they became deluded into thinking they were doing the right thing for their "God". See a pattern there? Where does slagging off sad people's websites fit into all that eh?
 
Get a grip. Get some perspective. Get a life.
 
God says what? Who?
 
What the fuck makes you think I have any interest in what your fairy-tale "God" has to say? I have no more interest in what you say this "God" says than what Mickey Mouse or Snow White or Peter Pan or any other made-up bullshit character has to say.
 
"I'm not even close to swine." Phew. Don't know quite what you mean here but you don't mix your words do you?! You're quite right though, I couldn't even begin to guess where the nearest pig farm is, I'm estimating at least 20 miles away, so yes, I'm not even close to swine, I must concede. Though quite what this has to do with websites I have NO idea...
 
Swine, sorry pigs (let's stop speaking so bloody biblically here shall we?) are highly intelligent creatures actually, so to be compared to them even unfavourably is a compliment. They're certainly higher up the evolutionary scale than humans, I mean they don't go around spouting rubbish about God do they? They don't waste time sending vindictive misguided emails to writers of crap websites do they? I'll let you into a little secret, I just don't like people very much - I prefer the company of animals. No not in THAT sense - naughty!
 
I'm rattling on a bit now, sorry, here we go. Right don't bother with the praying. Please. I mean it. Just forget the praying. Don't do it! No I mean it. Argh! Stop it! I can feel your evil God rays crumbling my educated world-view, piercing my carefully-constructed,sense of right and wrong, the veil between truth and myth, my ability to separate reality and stuff from made-up Lu-Lu Land - no!!!!
 
It's worked. I've seen the light. Where can I find out more about this "God"? Sounds quite interesting. Please forward a copy of this so-called bible to me. I'm looking forward to a lifetime full of guilt and modest apparel and eternal damnation and shit. You've shown me the error of my ways. I repent, I repent!
 
Nah, only joking.
 
All the bad things going on in the world you say? Don't fucking preach to me about all the bad things in the world I read The Sun - I know about what's going on this "world" thing. There's, um, Kate Moss's coke habit. And erm, the cricket. And stuff. And err, some Z-list celeb caught rodgering a badger round the back of Tesco. See - I'm well-informed me! Nothing passes me by. Katrina and the Waves you say? Never heard of 'em.
 
Seriously though - I KNOW what a shit world it is - is that any reason to stop having a laugh? The day that even 1% of the emails people write to me tell me that they don't like the site, I'll delete the whole lot and never publish anything again? I mean it. You are in a minority with your little divine rant here.
 
You have reaped many unpleasant things? Nice of you to confess via this most-public of channels but we don't do porn on this site and certainly not with anim- reaped! Oh you said "reaped"?! Sorry. My eyes are a little blurry this morning from all the evil things I've been doing. Must buy more Kleenex. And stop worshipping Satan.
 
Well got to go now, there's a couple of Christians at the door that need telling to piss off and a plate of aborted foetuses and chips with my name on it downstairs (30 weeks plus - yum, just the way I like 'em!)
 
Love and kisses.
 
Tone
 
PS. Don't take the "love" part seriously.
 
PPS. Or the "kisses".

Tone

Friday August 13th 2004 - I Think I'm Starting to Understand...

Okay, I think i'm starting to understand your web page here...the point of it is for you to bitch about other websites, yeah? Oh, i am so clever, give me a pat on the back...has it ever occured to you that to access your website people can type in 'crap websites' on a search engine, and yours comes right up?? Slightly hypocritical of you to slag off other sites then, huh? I may not have searched through the entire load of your site, but i have looked, and if the main links or whatever are crap, then the smaller ones have no hope, do they not? Anyway, goodbye, and good luck for improving this site, 

Bill-odilexxx

Oh dear, new to this Interweb thingy are we?

Indeed I am aware that Googling for "worst websites" shows us at No.1 and indeed "crap websites" fairly near the top.

Do you even understand how that works? Do you think there's an old man living in Grimsby who stays up all night with a big list going, "Good website, good website, great website, whoa hold on a minute - there's a crap 'un." Then he gets on the phone to Google so that by next morning when people type "crap websites" into google ONLY THE CRAP WEBSITES ARE SHOWN?

Keyword optimisation and good links into a page make that happen. Not an old man in Grimsby.

And erm, the links on the left are sections. You'll find that websites with more than about 2 and a half pages on different subjects are broken down into these so-called sections to enable visitors to find stuff. Sometimes the indexes of the sections contain sub-sections and links to the actual articles. You have to click these to get the meat. It's called the 3-click rule (nothing on your website should ever be more than 3 clicks away from anything else). We had considered adopting the 1-click rule for really stupid people but that would mean every page would have about 1,000 links on it.

We're always open to suggestions here at 2atoms (except the one with the feather duster and the Vaseline) so if you have any ideas on how we can improve, perhaps by showing us your own websites, we'll gladly take a look and learn from a master.

Bye bye now, Sally/Bill or whatever.

PS: Altruism isn't part of the rules, it's a cop-out for the weak and fearful.

Tone

December 31st 2003 - You Suck

wow i just found this site thats soo bad. its got some tacky banner at the top, this horribly outdated design, not to mention the most retarded array of "sections" only bored 30-something virgin geeks would be reading. oh but the best part is when they make fun of other peoples websites when theirs is so bad. this place is *CENSORED* gold. enjoy!

http://www.2atoms.com/index.htm

Josef xjoeguyx@yahoo.com

IP Address: 68.44.153.11


Dear "josef".

Thanks for your submission to Worst of the Web which will soon be published at:

http://www.2atoms.com/yourworst

However...

You're not going to win any points for originality as you're far from the first OR the last to suggest our OWN site as worst of the web. You are though, I suspect, now part of the growing club of bad site owners with an axe to grind after discovering that their site has been submitted to us by others for a worst website. Yes, by others. We always make sure at least 2 people have the same opinion before given a site a full review.

So, the question is, which crap website are YOU the "author" of?

Hmm? So it's either a case of the pot calling the kettle black or... then again perhaps you're not a member of that now-not-very-exclusive club. As surely, even in this grammatically-challenged 21st century, to have published anything on the web you at least have to know how to capitalise words or use apostrophes. Or am I being a little too optimistic here? You DO have your own site don't you?

We would be the first to admit that the design is far from cutting-edge. However when time is short, we'd much rather write content which attracts roughly, 20 positive comments for each negative one. Oh and it's funny how the emails we get praising the site are always much more correctly spelt with correct grammar and capitalisation. Always.

As for "bored 30-something virgin geeks" - yes, guilty on all accounts. Your point being?

Well, except of course for the "virgin" part. It would be unusual for 2 dazzlingly beautiful people such as us to have been married for 12 years without touching each-others' genitalia. No, the only virgin around here is your suggestion that anyone here is one, which is, if you will allow me to bend the English language as much as you yourself seem keen to do, vergin' on the ridiculous.

Love and kisses,

2 Atoms

October 16th 2003 - You Don't Suck

Hey guys, just wanted to say that i thought your site was really cool.

I just happened to run across it while I was going through the internet and spent about a half an hour laughing at your compilation. You guys are doing a good job and I wish that a lot of people would step back, look at life and other people and then laugh at them for all of the silly things that they do. I had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs, keep up the good work. 

Matt.


Wow - real genuine praise. We like it. Tone

October 1st 2003 - You're Good

Hi

Nice site!  Your reviews of the worst websites are so funny I'm going to mention them in our next opt-in email newsletter. Hope it sends you some traffic.

Thanks for a good laugh.

Kay

Hi again, Tone

I just discovered Lil' Miss Information. I like it!

Kay

 


Oh stop it - you're making me blush - Tone

June 2nd 2003 - Alan, Stop It

And her hallway
Moves
Like the ocean
Moves

At the head of the river
At the source of the sea

Sitting here now in this bar for hours
Trying to write it down
Fitting in hard with harder to come
Trying to fight it
Down the river there's a ship will carry you
Down river down stream
Down the river there's a ship will carry the
Dream
Dream of the flood
Down the river there's a ship will carry the
Dream of the flood

And her hallway...
As the water come rushing over
As the water come rushing in
As the water come rushing over
Flood...Flood...

Push the glass, stain the glass
Push the writer to the wall
It may come but it will pass
Some say we will fall
Dream of the flood...
Flood...

And her hallway...

Oh, maybe, in terms of surrender,
On a backcloth of lashes and eyes
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes and ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes and lies...

And her hallway...
Like...
As the water come rushing in
As the water come rushing over

Sitting here now in this bar for hours
While these strange men rent strange flowers
I'll be picking up your petals in another few hours
In the metal and blood, in the scent and mascara
On a backcloth of lashes and stars
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes and secondhand passion
And stolen guitars

And her hallway...
As the water come rushing in
(Like the sea)
As the water come rushing over
(Dream of the flood)
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes and lies...

As the water come rushing in, rushing in

At the head of the river
At the source of the sea

And her hallway...
Like...

Flood

TL319


Gee, er thanks TL319. I hope we ain't breaking no copyright by publishing this cos' it sounds AWFULLY familiar...

Tone

May 2nd 2003 - You are Rubbish

Subject: Er...

message: ...this website is complete rubbish... just shows what you do with your life...

IP: 80.192.251.111

Fri 02/05/2003 17:54

-- [--@host18.nocstation.com]

 


Dear Mr/Mrs --,

Thank you for your detailed critique. We really must thank you for taking time to browse all 312 pages of content on 2atoms.com. This is really the kind of feedback we want. You what?! You mean you didn't actually take a look at the site? You truly must be a sagacious individual, for you have to come to that conclusion even though you have only browsed the site for an exact duration of 1 minute and 52 seconds according to our web logs! Let's see what you browsed, ah. There we have it. You browsed one page, (the Arsenal Index). So you hate Arsenal, and because you browsed less than 1% of our total content you feel you are in a position to give us your educated opinion on the other 99% is that right? Mug.

With this level of insight you must be psychic. What are you going to do for an encore? Read a random page of Shakespeare and give us an in-depth critique of English literature? Watch the 6:00 news on BBC1 and then provide us with a detailed historical analysis of British broadcasting. Or maybe glimpse inside the window of your local video rental shop and then feel somehow qualified to comment on the film industry of the last century? Hm? Please, try harder.

Thank you, love and kisses, X

2atoms

April 30th 2003 - This Sucks

Chad Amspacker [www.d_loe3@yahoo.com]

Subject: THis sucks

message: Ican't get these games to play

REMOTE_HOST: 207.181.171.2

 


Hi Chad,

I'm guessing you're on dial-up - right? You have to erm, let them load first, just wait.

Check the filesize on the menu pages, as a guideline, if a game is 300KB in size, it will take about a minute to download. So for instance, the first game you tried to play, Punch Out is 600KB and will take about 2 minutes to load.

2atoms

March 15th 2003 - My CAPS LOCK Key is Broken

From: Ron Vale (silverfoxcc@btinternet.com)

Subject: Heres one (sic)

Sent: Sat 15/03/2003 15:28

CHOOSE OVERBEARING ARROGANCE.

CHOOSE SYSTEMATIC DIRTY PLAY AND CALLING IT "COMPETITIVENESS".

CHOOSE THE MOST STAGED, CONTRIVED, UP-YOUR-OWN-ARSES GOAL CELEBRATIONS EVER WITNESSED.

CHOOSE HAVING THE UGLIEST MAN ON EARTH AS YOUR CENTRE-BACK AND THE SECOND UGLIEST AS YOUR MANAGER.

CHOOSE WINNING TWO CHAMPIONSHIPS IN ELEVEN SEASONS AND ACTING LIKE YOU'VE WON SEVEN IN NINE.

CHOOSE DRAWING 99% OF YOUR FANBASE FROM THE RANKS OF THE SUBURBAN ENGLISH MIDDLE CLASSES.
...

< This goes on for quite a while, so for sanity's sake  SNIP! >
...

CHOOSE A SOUTH LONDON TEAM

CHOOSE ARSENAL.


Dear "Ron",

Thanks for your comments.

Freedom of speech is such a wonderful liberty isn't it?

You choose one thing, I choose another. You choose not to disengage your Caps Lock key.

Goodbye, The 2atoms Team

PS: We gladly discuss football with people who are bold enough to mention what team it is they support!

Actually no it's all clear now. You are sad, you are in your forties, you shop at Tesco in Bletchley and you are tottenham. Nothing more to say.

Here's one for you (apostrophe you burglar!) - Recognise this goal?

Love and kisses

2atoms

Update: To his credit, Ron later sent an email praising the rest of the site!

February 2003 via the old Guestbook

EmotionsKeldon Warlord - Posted on 26 February 2003 @ 09:29:11

*/*= Keldon Warlord has power and toughness each = to the number of non-wall creatures you control, inc warlord. For example, if you control 2 other non-wall creatures, warlord has 3/3. If 1 of those creatures leaves play, warlord immediately becomes 2/2.

Location: | Website | E-mail
Emotions Rozwana Hussain - Posted on 24 February 2003 @ 14:50:33

This is a very funny website,informative and intersting

Location: | Website | E-mail
Emotions Peter Bartelt - Posted on 15 February 2003 @ 24:21:44

It's great to see how your site was growing since you startet with insomnia. Thanks for making me laugh many times!

Location: Berlin, Germany | Website | E-mail
Emotions TL319 - Posted on 14 February 2003 @ 14:43:53

Its about time we had a beer...

I like the cats cartoon keep em coming

Location: Biggleswade | Website | E-mail

Emotions Devsteroonie - Posted on 14 February 2003 @ 09:42:46

Hey hey kids, it's me....which is nice!

So, valentine's day eh?! What's that all about?! Only ONE day a year you're supposed to show someone what they mean to you??? You should be doing that every single day of the year if you ask me....but you didn't, so I'll shut up now!

Have a great weekend, month, year, future, and all that, come to my lair, even though it hasn't been updated in about, ooo, over a year!! Hehe!!

BTW Tone, you might wanna look at the guestbook link on your site, when I clicked on it, it put it in the little teeny weeny side column insted of the massive main frame window....unless I'm just the lucky one to have a temperamental guestbook link today!!

Ta-ra chucks....

Location: At my desk slacking off at work......shocking! | Website | E-mail
Emotions André Bleibohm - Posted on 8 February 2003 @ 15:31:23



Hallo ihr Beiden!

Ihr habt einen tollen Internetauftritt!

Danke für eure mail. Bei dem tristen Wetter eine nette Überraschung, die gute Laune macht.

Euch Beiden ein schönes Wochenende von

Ute und André

Location: | Website | E-mail
Emotions Jan van Hendriks - Posted on 4 February 2003 @ 15:22:24

Interesting ideas about the bluray. Good site man, I will visit again. Please.

Location: Netherlands | Website | E-mail
Emotions Pietro Delgrado - Posted on 4 February 2003 @ 11:06:44

hey man thanks for teh magic hints i needed help with this and it was usefull

Location: Spain | Website | E-mail
Emotions Dingo - Posted on 1 February 2003 @ 17:19:27

Hello, love your website, especially "it came through my letterbox".

Location: | Website | E-mail

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