Satirical Interviews.
2atoms speaks to the world's shakers, makers, breakers and fakers

Interview with Sir Alex Ferguson ahead of Saturday's FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Man Utd

19th May 2005

It's a cup game...

2atoms: Sir Alex welcome back to 2atoms...

AF: Aye. I see you've got my name right this time.

2atoms: Yes, anyway if we can get straight down to it. It seems from your comments to the press (Ferguson warns of 'feisty' final) that you're anticipating some trouble on Saturday?

AF: Oh aye, no. It's a cup game. You've got to expect a wee bit of rough and tumble.

2atoms: Granted, but Arsenal player Lauren seems to indicate that the Gunners have a different agenda (Lauren predicts 'clean' Cup final).

AF: Oh aye well he would say that wouldn't he. All them clean tackles and that. Let him play the way he wants and my team will play...

2atoms: Are you saying you're going to urge the Man Utd players to go in "studs up"?

AF: (Rubs purple nose. It swells. Alarmingly.) Oh aye. No. Aye. I mean it's a cup game. You've got to expect a wee bit of rough...

2atoms: ...and tumble, yes you said. And what about Wayne Rooney, is he going to curb his temper on the big occasion?

AF: What ya mean?

2atoms: I mean that the last encounter between the two teams saw Rooney clock up over 100 expletives, most of them directed at the referee.

AF: Deserve all they get.

2atoms: Could you expand on that a bit?

AF: These referees. they're always getting in the way. I'm trying to do ma job here. How am I supposed to win trophies when THEY DON'T GIVE US ANY PENALTIES ANY MORE?!

. . . s i l e n c e . . .

2atoms: Moving on.

AF: Aye.

2atoms: What do you make of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho's differing approach to management and how that has translated into results?

AF: Fucking clown. With his coat and his fucking long hair. Portugese tosser. Send him round here, I said send him round here with his Chelsea fucking tractor and let him try and tell ma players how to fucking play!

2atoms: Funnily enough, rumour has it that your successor...

AF: Ma what?!

2atoms: Your successor, the next Manchester United manager...

AF: Let me tell you something sonny. I ain't got no fucking successor. This club is nothing without me. I am Manchester fucking United. I am Old Trafford. I am the Lizard King...

2atoms: Sir Alex, once again, thank you very much.

AF: Hic!


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