Satirical Interviews.
2atoms speaks to the world's shakers, makers, breakers and fakers

Interview with Sir Alex Ferguson

September 2002

Come on ya tosser, I'll have ya.

2atoms: Mr. Ferguson, welcome.

AF: Sir Alex.

2atoms: Sorry?

AF: Sir Alex. My name is Sir Alex.

2atoms: OK, sorry - Sir Alex.

AF: That's better.

2atoms: Let's start with a recap of last season. You won nothing - finished 4th in the league, and now you have a 1-0 deficit against an unknown Hungarian team to overcome to qualify for the Champions League. Bad season?

AF: (Rubs purple nose) No. I don't think so. I've said all along it's the winning that matters.

2atoms: But, you didn't win anything.

AF: I know. But we're better than Arsenal anyway.

2atoms: How...

AF: I mean that French tosser - Wenger whatever his name is. What a tosser! All his players want to play for Manchester United. We're the greatest team in the world...

2atoms: What ALL Arsenal players want to play for Man Utd?

AF: All of 'em. If I offered 'em 50 pence to come up to Old Trafford they'd be on the next train like a shot. That Viera...

2atoms: Yeah I see what you're saying. Thierry Henry must have particularly devastated that he didn't sign for you this season Sir Alex - that's probably why he consoled himself with another 5 year contract for Arsenal. I mean what a shamble of a season he had last year - Premiership medal, FA Cup medal, Golden Boot award - terrible!

AF: Aye I know. We've got so much more to offer the kid.

2atoms: Yes...

AF: That Viera. He was on the phone to me in the summer. Begging, begging me he was. You've got to let me play for Man U he's saying - reserve matches, 3rd goalie - anything. I had to turn him down.

2atoms: Oh really? Why's that then?

AF: He's tainted.

2atoms: Tainted? What, like, unclean?

AF: Aye. Tainted by the Arsenal scum. Fecking scum. Championship winning, double-winning scum. Fecking French wankers...

2atoms: OK. Let's leave race out of this shall we?

AF: Why? It's not fair. They're foreign. They score goals - and win matches. Tossers.

2atoms: Ohhhhhhhhkayyyyyyy.

AF: Absolute fecking tossers.

2atoms: On to more recent matters. Last night's draw with Chelsea - a match you should have won?

AF: An engrossing game. Very engrossing.

2atoms: But one you should have won...

AF: I may be active on the transfer market this week.

2atoms: Ah, so you'll be on the phone to Arsene Wenger.

AF: Aye I'll be on the fecking phone to him alright - telling him what a fecking French tosser he is!

2atoms: No, I mean you'll be offering one or two of those Arsenal players a chance at moving up in the world?

AF: Aah, maybe. Yes. No. I mean, they've all got contracts now haven't they?

2atoms: Oh yeah, but they'll break them for you won't they eh? Chance of a lifetime?

AF: Aye...maybe.

CUT!!!

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