Came Through My Letterbox.
Crap ads, terrible promotion, naff news...
28th April 2005
It's been a while since anything truly gut-wrenchingly
bad dropped through my letterbox - well, anything I'd want to admit to
anyway. Now, I'd noticed adverts like this one clogging up the pages of
a free magazine called Ms. London - an esteemed publication aimed at
office bints based in our fair capital. No, don't ask why I was reading
it - just be glad I was, because recently when this gaudy flyer was
shoved through my portal it looked very familiar....
"Professor Kedou African Spiritual Healer" the
heading proclaims. "The most important thing about clairvoyance is
having a miraculous result for your problem." No mate, the most
important thing about clairvoyance is that it's all a load of bollocks.
I sincerely hope for "Professor" Kedou's customers' sake his
powers are better than his grammar though.
"Born gifted with spiritual power. No matter what
your problems are. I can help to solve them by using the OCCULT SCIENCES
and the MOST POWERFUL SPELL." the missive continues. Sounds good, I
certainly have a few problems the good Prof can help me with. Like
firstly, I have no job. I wonder if he can help me there. Perhaps I
could write the copy for his advertisements as he seems to employ a
deranged orang-utan at the moment. Or, how about the fact that Arsenal
failed to win the Premiership this season? Think old Kedders can help me
(and of course Arsene Wenger) out on this one? Come to think of it,
Chelsea have had some damn good luck this season, I wonder if a certain
Mr. Mourinho has made use of his services already? No, these would
obviously be small fry for a man of Professor Kedou's obvious talent. What
we need are SERIOUS problems.
"If your loved one, Wife or Husband (again - Kedou's
capitalisation, not mine) has walked out of your life, I can reunite you
and give more Love and Fidelity between you forever." Really? That's
a pretty strong claim Mr. K. So, if my beloved Nici decides to shack up
with the milkman and says she's never coming back, I need fear not. Just
a simple phone call to The Prof and he'll have it sorted faster than you
can say Nigerian 419 Scam.
What I don't understand is this ridiculous Professor
claim in the title. Professor my arse - he's got a photocopied,
photoshopped piece of paper for 10 Nigerian Dollars from the People's
University of Lagos (or somesuch). And probably can't even spell
The learned Kedou continues, "I can CURE people,
Victims of EVIL for forces and WITCHCRAFT (Black Magic). So what
you're saying is you can help people who have been victims of the same
kind of crap you're offering? "You can see me again, for any other
problems for Cancer and all health related problems." [all sic] See
you again mate? See you again! You won't see me for dust you shambolic
"Quick Results guaranteed 100% Pay total after
results." Hmm a bold statement. Do you think he's ever got
paid? The one question I have to ask the big K after all these claims of
major psychic talent is why on earth doesn't he do something to help
himself? You know like, predict the winner of the 2:30 at Doncaster? Or
the winning lottery numbers? It's obvious isn't it? At the risk of a
lawsuit and the wrath of a witch doctor I'm pulling no punches and
calling you a liar "Professor" Kedou. So lord pity anyone foolish enough
to visit your plush offices above the African Food Shop on Woolwich New
tell us about some interesting crap you got through your letterbox? Let
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