It Came Through My Letterbox.
Reviews of crap that lands on my doormat

The Internationally Talented Linus Alumbati Tarot ReaderLinus Alumbati

22nd January 2003

I don't know, this might become a regular feature. Here's some various crap that came through my letterbox today that made me laugh.

Let's start with this piece of crap. Click here or on the image itself to view a larger version. In case you can't make out the text I'll just quote some blurb from the ad, verbatim:

" The Internationally Talented LINUS ALUMBATI Tarot Reader Call One of My Gifted Readers."

Internationally talented? What does that mean? He can tie his shoelaces in two different countries! Gifted readers? Well if you call being able to work in a call centre 'gifted' then fine, yeah I agree. The blurb continues:

" I believe Tarot can be used as a sign to help guide one in a chosen direction. Good, well-interpreted readings though, are few and far between..."

Well there you go - 'Linus' himself is admitting that this is a rip-off - he can't read your future. I can just see it on Watchdog in a few weeks time...
" But nowhere in my advertisement did I claim to be ABLE to help people, in fact I WARNED them that good, well-interpreted readings are few and far between...!"
If none of this has convinced you, then take a look at the man himself. That firm countenance, that steel-eyed stare, that vague enigmatic look, that strange sort of lip-bending thing he's doing (obviously some sort of meditative aid). And that name. A man with a name like that CANNOT be messing you around. Linus Alumbati. Like, tell me that wasn't made up during a fag-break.
" What'll we call that Tarot geezer then? "
" I dunno. Something foreign-sounding will do. Anything. "
" Well how about Linus? That was the name of the bloke that invented the Linux operating system - people are bound to to associate that with wisdom. "
" Yeah great! And then something witch-doctor-ish for the surname. Al-ooom-boom. Mbati? Uhuru? Nah. Got it! Alumbati. Linus Alumbati. "
" Fantastic, Linus Alumbati it is then. That'll fool 'em! "
This man is the very embodiment of Tarot.

At the bottom of the ad, is this comforting statement:

" A lot of thought has gone into providing you with excellent value."

But not by us.

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